Children Chumps

My friend Stephanie brought the PETA propaganda campaign "Chicken Chumps" to my attention, saying that it was probably more damaging than the "Your Mommy Kills Animals" campaign. I Googled the relevant words and, lo and behold, I came upon a news article that explained everything I needed to know.

PETA markets these trading cards that feature a slightly mean-looking boy, a fat girl, a sick girl, and some chickens. Here are what the backs of each card say:

"Sickly Sally":

"Most chickens in stores have germs on them that can make you sick, and often those germs are really just poop! Sally feels awful after eating that poop-covered, germ-filled chicken sandwich. Her head is pounding, her stomach hurts, and she can’t get out of bed without throwing up."

"Cruel Kyle":

"Kyle is mean because he scarfs down legs, wings, and bony things. The chickens he eats live in big sheds, where they can’t breathe fresh air or feel the warm sun. Bored to death, they have to sit all day in their poop and pee with no room to move. When they grow up, their throats are cut with a big knife. Help these chickies: Say “no, thanks” to chicken sandwiches or chicken anything. Tell your friends, too!"

"Tubby Tammy":

"Chicken doesn’t have any fiber at all and is packed with fat and cholesterol. Eating buckets of fingerlickin’, grease-drippin’ drumsticks, nuggets, and wings has made Tammy’s tummy so big that she can barely button her pants—and she has to use a bungee cord for a belt!"

"Feathered Friends":

"Scientists who study chicken intelligence say that chickens are as smart as dogs or cats. They form friendships and remember each other. Some have lots of friends and others prefer to be by themselves. They love their families, want to spend time with them, and don’t want to be eaten any more than you do."

Well, I've been searching Google for hours, and I can't find a single scientific study where they said that chickens were as smart as cats or dogs. I did see an article on Science NetLinks that mentioned chicken intelligence in passing, saying that parrots were much smarter than chickens. I searched AnimalScam.com as well, and I couldn't find anything. If anyone can find something about chicken intelligence, I'll amend this article to reflect that. But I think that PETA is utilizing their usual strategy, which is talking out of their ass.

Now, let's address "Tubby Tammy". I have the biggest problem with this card. Have these PETA nutjobs forgotten what grade school is like for fat kids? Don't they have enough problems? Especially girls. Of course, who am I to think for even a moment that PETA gives a shit about these kids? All they care about is spreading their radical ideology to whoever they can.

Not only that, but does it really matter whether or not chicken has any fibre? The last time I checked, the meat and protein food group wasn't where you were supposed to be getting your fibre anyway. It's the grain group and the vegetable group that supply one's dietary fibre.

Onward, to "Cruel Kyle". PETA is trying to paint every single person who eats chicken as "mean". Bullshit. You know what's mean? Taking another kid's lunch money. Shoving a kid in a locker. Ostracizing someone. That is mean. Eating chicken can hardly compare. The best PETA could possibly say is "apathetic", or "indifferent". But, again, since when did PETA give a shit about rationality?

Finally, we arrive at "Sickly Sally". PETA again shows its utter disregard for facts by claiming that whatever germs are on chicken are really just shit. Microbes and shit are two different things, although shit is a breeding ground for microbes. PETA bases this claim on a USDA study that found E. Coli on 98% of the chicken carcasses it studied. The thing that PETA doesn't consider is that E. coli levels are used to test fecal contamination in WATER, not meat, and that E. coli is not a fecal bacteria. According to Wikipedia, E. coli also grows well in other environments, like paper mills. Hey, maybe our nation's paper mills are contaminated with shit!

Ah, I love the smell of bullshit in the morning...